You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

 - You answer the door before people knock.
 - Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
 - You ski uphill.
 - You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
 - You speed walk in your sleep.
 - You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
 - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
 - You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
 - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
 - You sleep with your eyes open.
 - You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
 - The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
 - You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the
       timer.
 - You lick your coffeepot clean.
 - You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
 - You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you
 -     don't even work there.
 - You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
 - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
 - You chew on other people's fingernails.
 - The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
 - Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
 - You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
 - You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
 - You can jump-start your car without cables.
 - Cocaine is a downer.
 - All your kids are named "Joe".
 - You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
 - Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
 - You don't sweat, you percolate.
 - You buy * & * by the barrel.
 - You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
 - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
 - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's
 -     not plugged in.
 - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
 - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
 - You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
 - People get dizzy just watching you.
 - You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
 - The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
 - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
 - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
 - You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
 - People can test their batteries in your ears.
 - Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
 - Instant coffee takes too long.
 - You channel surf faster without a remote.
 - When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
 - You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity
 -     in a coffee can.
 - You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
 - Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
 - You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
 - You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
 - You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
 - You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
 - You get drunk just so you can sober up.
 - You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
 - Your Thermos is on wheels.
 - Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
 - You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
 - You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
 - You short out motion detectors.
 - You have a conniption over spilled milk.
 - You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
 - Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
 - You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
 - You don't tan, you roast.
 - You don't get mad, you get steamed.
 - Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee
 -     during and coffee after.
 - Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced
 -     coffee to get you in the mood.
 - You can't even remember your second cup.
 - You help your dog chase its tail.
 - You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
 - Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
 - You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
 - You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
 - Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V.  hookup.